


Remember

by miss_aligned



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Mass Effect 3, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-09
Updated: 2016-05-09
Packaged: 2018-06-07 12:03:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6803104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miss_aligned/pseuds/miss_aligned
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaidan stumbles upon a rather stressed commander while she takes a quiet moment to herself. He begins to realize how things have changed, how they've stayed the same, and just how much he missed her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Remember

When the doors of the elevator opened, Kaidan had not expected to see her standing there. He shouldn’t have been surprised, of course. This was her ship, after all. He should have anticipated that she would be anywhere at any time she desired, really, but seeing her standing there, facing the memorial wall in silence caught him off guard.

He watched Shepard for a moment, curious to see if she’d walk away, greet him, or remain in her contemplative state as her gaze meandered languidly over the names. He noticed that there were more placards there than he’d anticipated. Some he recognized with a pang of sadness and guilt. Others, he’d never known.

Kaidan stepped out from the elevator and quietly stood at Shepard’s side, looking over the many names emblazoned on the wall. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw that she was absently nipping at her thumbnail with her teeth, a habit she exhibited when she was deep in thought. Only when he saw it now did he realize how much he had missed it. It was a jab in his heart to witness such a small detail that was so entirely Shepard. Cerberus couldn’t have known to duplicate something like that.

“I need to remind myself sometimes,” Shepard said at last, crossing her arms in front of her as her gaze remained locked on the memorial wall. “To make their sacrifices worthwhile. When I feel completely overwhelmed, I come here to remember their faces. Their hopes. Their songs.”

“Songs?” Kaidan quietly responded. He didn’t remember any of the names he recognized being associated with musical talent.

A soft chuckle escaped the woman as she cast her gaze downward. For a moment it was clear that she was lost in memory. “Mordin liked to sing, sometimes. He was a salarian scientist. Quirky. Brilliant. I think you would have liked him. Eventually, anyway. He reminded me that it’s never too late to make up for past mistakes.”

Kaidan nodded, feeling the sentiment of that last sentence very keenly as he cast a glance at the commander. Her shoulders were slightly slumped with the weight of the galaxy, no doubt. Even through all the trouble, despair, fear, and anger she must have felt in the last many months, she could function well enough to remind herself why she was here and why she had to continue. It was that indomitable strength that so many people depended on in days like these. As he looked on her now, he wondered how such a small, vulnerable woman could withstand it all. She appeared so… human.

He swallowed the lump in his throat and considered her previous statement. “Are you feeling completely overwhelmed at the moment?” He wanted to know if she was okay or needed help. Though they hadn’t worked out all of the kinks in their relationship, if it could be called that at this point, he wanted her to know that he stood by her and could be called upon for support.

Shepard turned her head to study him for a moment. Though she looked tired, she smiled ruefully at him, her eyes carrying that subtle sparkle that only seemed to be there when she talked to _him_. “No, not anymore.” Her words were so quiet and the expression so forlorn but hopeful that it melted Kaidan’s heart. He could read between the lines, so to speak. He got the message. She was human. She was Shepard. And now he felt like a complete idiot for questioning it.

Turning her attention back to the memorial, she continued, barely above a whisper. “I guess I also come here to remind myself that I can’t let another name go up on this wall. I don’t think I can handle it as well now as I used to. I think I’d rather see my name up there than…”

As her words trailed off, Kaidan couldn’t help the expression of sympathy that crept across his features. Though he desperately wanted to scoop her up in his arms and tell her it would be okay, actually doing so would have been inappropriate. It also might have been a lie. Neither of them had any way of knowing how this war would pan out in the end. Hell, both of their names could be posted on that wall soon. It somehow made him feel better to consider his name up there with hers rather than just hers alone. The more of those little quirks and smiles and familiar signs he saw in Shepard as time went on, the more his feelings for her managed to resurface from that dim, dark place in his chest that he’d shoved them years ago. He made a promise to himself that if the commander’s name was going to be posted on the memorial wall, then his would go up as well. There was no other acceptable outcome in his mind. He couldn’t witness her dying alone again.

It wasn’t until she straightened abruptly and took a deep breath that he was called out of his morbid train of thought and personal vows. She lifted her chin and held her head high, like a proper Alliance soldier calling upon her sense of duty to press forward. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to bring the mood down. I guess I’d better get back to work. The galaxy certainly isn’t going to save itself!”

Shepard turned and walked off in the direction of Liara’s makeshift center of operations on the Normandy. Kaidan couldn’t help but watch her walk away. Had he not had his wits about him, his jaw would have fallen open in astonishment. The pressure on her was unfathomable, but she carried it willingly, knowing that no one else would. He couldn’t imagine anyone else in her position, how the military managed to find her, or how he’d ended up in her company. He’d even gone so far as to love her, once. The more he watched and listened, he began to feel like he still did.

He could have kicked himself (again) for pushing her away and ruining his chances. Even if it meant a tumultuous and brief love affair, wrought with fear and pride, it seemed better than a long life of regret, guilt, and loneliness without her. Kaidan wished he could go back in time and change what had happened in their face-off on the Citadel. On Horizon. Over Alchera.

He sighed heavily, feeling the familiar thrum of a headache creeping in at the back of his skull and radiating forward. His gaze swept over the names on the memorial wall one more time. He silently thanked Mordin Solus. Though he’d never known the salarian scientist singer personally, he was grateful for the reminder.

It’s never too late to make up for past mistakes.


End file.
